i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
