someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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