is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You dont lie about slip and slides
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
