Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
