I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
