Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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