If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
