hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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