Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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