Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
