so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
