don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
