Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
