Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
