I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
