My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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