Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
