i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
