found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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