Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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