capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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