sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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