Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
