I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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