According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
