Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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