last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
