Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
