Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
