how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
