apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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