Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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