Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
