my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
