Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
