I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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