I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Couch. On fire.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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