the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize