Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
