I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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