i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
