Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
