I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
