Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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