hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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