I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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