How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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