wanna go halves on a baby?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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