I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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