you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
