Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
did i just pee glitter
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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