We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
