if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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