Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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