Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
