you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize