We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
