Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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